Hollie Calderon
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A few thoughts.

I love to talk. Being vulnerable helps me heal. Sharing is caring after all, right?
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be His legs: Love Your Story. Chapter 9

8/21/2017

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Doesn't everyone have a defining moment in their life? Multiple ones...where you know nothing will be the same? Moments you never saw coming because you were looking in all the wrong places...?

Here's mine...

"I fell in love with you because your light is so bright. You are the most loving and carefree Person. we have such a great time together…I want you to be happy always…being exactly who I fell in love with…You.” -Antonio Calderon

Yep, read that and swoon folks. He is incredible. Every bit of him. He is my partner in life and love. And although I could list all of his greatest attributes here, I won't, that isn’t what this is about. It’s about truth and understanding. Let me share with you my favorite way he saves me.

You see, the reasons he loves me are simple…I am always trying to complicate it. He didn’t say he fell in love with me because I am a Nurse/Entrepreneur or even mention how much money I should make. He made no mention of what my body looks like or how much I weigh. Not a blip about my hair color or the color of my skin or eyes. Furthermore, he said nothing about my past or any other expectations, but obviously I have already decided he had them. He is kind and gentle, and always reminding me that chaos isn’t where I must live. I do that to myself. He is a true example of strength and love. In fact, I often tell myself I don’t deserve him, and then I convince myself that he must think this too. But he doesn’t. He never has or never will. (I am working on all of these feels with God and therapy, but I am sharing here because I know one of you can relate, and that’s why I do this…share…because we are all in this together right??)

It is I who has those ridiculous thoughts.
It is I who manifests these beliefs that he “has”.
It is I who doesn’t believe I am enough, not him.

But it’s all simply not true. He is my gift. My mirror if you will. He stands up to my negative thoughts and rebukes them. Over and over again. He refuses to have me shame myself or not see me exactly how he does. And he is patient when I just can’t see it. Which is what Jesus does, and it’s how I know he’s my gift.

For the first few years of our relationship, I just thought I was too sensitive and he too realistic. That he really didn’t know my heart. That him sharing the truth with me would be all of the reasons he’d leave one day. But with consistency and time (truly him not giving up, even when he wanted to…but he just never could (that’s how God works folks)) I see it. I literally have started looking in the mirror and being proud. Not ashamed. I make lists of the things I am, instead of what I am not. (I literally used to make lists of reasons I am worth leaving...I actually began this habit as a child. It helped me understand why everything went wrong. I was able to make sense of all the reasons my Dad left, and why I felt abandoned) <==== disclaimer: I know this wasn't reality, but it's the only way I could make anything around me seem real back then. Unfortunately children who don't know how to cope with loss will resort to things like this and worse. And these lists don't age well, I promise.

So, hold on, before you start thinking…oh my this gal has surely lost her marbles…know this (and this is the hardest part to come to grips with) the way I treat myself, is a direct reflection of my childhood. These self-sabotaging thoughts, well, I collected them over the years. It didn’t happen overnight. These thoughts that consume me some moments (no longer days or months, thank God) are real and raw. Some came when I was a small child related directly to the shooting of my Dad…and some came later when my feelings of rejection were validated by others close to me. It isn’t fair but it is my truth.

The years I have wasted running from this have only caused deeper damage. But this gift of my husband allowed me to stop going in that direction. I no longer run. I stay and put in the work. Here I am, bearing it all for the world to see. And it feels so damn good. This whole blog series has offered healing for me. Sharing my story is the exact path I am supposed to be on. And someday that path may shift, but I can handle that now. Change no longer triggers chaos. My irrational thoughts of perfection and fear no longer rule me. Now don’t get me wrong…I am always a work in progress, but what a beautiful story of redemption I am telling. I am beating the odds despite the statistics. He showed me it was possible to learn to love myself so that I can fully share my gifts. He gave me my person. He gifted us to each other. A heavenly father and earthly husband who never give up on me. How lucky am I?? Not lucky at all. His grace is sufficient for me.

My person loves me for exactly who I am. No requirements, no expectations, no dollar amount, or long list of accomplishments attached. Just true love for my carefree and happy go lucky heart. Because the truth is…these qualities of mine balance him. His only ask is that I am happy. Every time I start to fall back in this journey…I’ll remember this fact…the only requirement is to always be living my happy. Seems like the same kind of love from them both, to me.

I will close with this, maybe you don’t believe in God or love? I am not judging but I absolutely do. I am not here to beat you over the head with my bible. That’s not how I believe we really reach or love one another.

What I want you to take away is this…

You are enough. We all are. Our own personal stories are not something to run from. They are what make us unique and help us navigate through this crazy world. No matter how good or bad. Learn to love your story and see how your story no longer overshadows your greatness. I challenge you to start telling your story and see how it transforms your life. Remember you have the power each moment to rewrite your book. Write it in a way that makes you love your story all over again.
​
-xOxO
​Hollie Calderon

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be His legs: Why do we fight it? (Bonus Entry)

8/2/2017

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Gut feeling, intuition, little voice...these all describe that message we get from deep within. The one that's leading us exactly where we are supposed to be. All of us. Yet, how often do we ignore it? Why?

Ever found yourself in a place you never meant to be? Me too. Many times. Now, have you ever considered that your own choices are (in part) what got you there? In that tough place that has you feeling like you are drowning without a life preserver. Time and time again. To be honest, it used to be easier for me to blame my life on my circumstances. Or lack thereof. To reason through how suffering is a part of life. So often in my life I've refused to take full responsibility for how I found myself in the situations I did. Until I changed that. About a year ago, I sat through an intense therapy session. One that brought me to crocodile tears. One that could have crushed my spirit. If I let it. I've been known to have a flare for the dramatic...but this was something I hadn't prepared for at all.
She asked a very simple, logical question that brought me to my knees. Literally.

Her question, "Have you ever thought about YOUR responsibility for the chaos in your life?"

What??? Come again??? As I sat in silence and my eyes welled up with tears...my heart beating faster and faster...I thought, well, no lady I hadn't thought of that...ever. My thoughts were heavy and hot. Full of shame and blame. Painful. For a moment I felt like I couldn't breath. This question forced me to look within. After years of looking anywhere but there. Ugh.

You mean somehow I had a choice in all of this? Like I asked for this?? Defensive. Immediately. As the tears streamed I responded...out loud, calmly...Are you suggesting that the way I feel is my fault? (My attempt at trying to level with her, as if that's what she intended, which wasn't true).

Her honest response changed my life. Softly she said, "First, let's take the word "fault" out of this. This isn't about fault or punishment. What I'm saying is that you have choices in everything you do. You get to decide if you want this chaos that exists in your life to win. You choose the life you want. Have you ever considered that?"

Choices?? Decisions?? I'm speechless. In 31 years I've truly lived and died by what others wanted, thought, or needed from me. I suppose I thought about my choices before, but every move I made wasn't based on what I wanted or needed. Each decision was a step forward in what pleased others. What helped me blend in. Seem normal. Can you relate?

I left that session hurt. Bruised but not broken. I spent the next few days unpacking how I'd come back with a better answer next time. How? I had to sit down with my own thoughts and sift through each moment. At first it was excruciating, but as I saw my responsibility in my choices (good and bad)...I started to understand more and more of how I got to that very place I was sitting.
Much of the responsibility I started with was actually in NOT dealing with my life. My past. Stuffing it down and putting on my happy face.
The largest blessings this could have cost me was my dreams. My love. Who am I kidding...Everything. But I decided NO. I was determined. I am determined. My eyes are wide open and that was an incredibly difficult decision.

For years I've know I am "different". Highly Emphatic. Deep inside I know God is preparing a way for me that I can't comprehend. In many ways it scares me. That's obviously my human brain that causes that. Almost like I'm afraid I can't live up to what He's got in store. Like I'm not enough. So, acting like I "didn't have a choice in life" served those fearful thoughts well. He is always guiding me to my greatness...but...each time I heard that "little voice", I stopped it. Stifled it with noise. Fear. Whatever. Until I didn't.
As I took more and more responsibility...I realized that I always made choices, just the wrong ones. The safe ones. I didn't like to rock the boat. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to hurt anyone, but I no longer worry about making a few waves. I no longer quiet that gut feeling. Wanna know why? Because God is never wrong. He's in the business of redemption. He's got our backs. Free will is an interesting blessing...we can use it to step into our greatness, or to sink our dreams and potential.

The next time she asked me that question, my answer was swift and full of passion.
"Yes. Yes I have considered that I shape my life through my choices. They are important to my happiness and because happiness isn't a destination I consider each choice carefully. I'm certain I may not always get it right, but I'll learn and grow through that. Deciding to connect with myself in the most authentic form aided me in building my dreams, which are really big."

It's very interesting how one question can change everything. Shift your course? Change your path? Or...did that moment lead you back to your path after somehow you forgot to take responsibility and got lost? You decide.

As we embark on the next big adventure in our lives, I'm certain this lesson will serve me and my soul very well. My hope is that you ask yourself the same question she asked me. Be honest and if needed, adjust. Forgive yourself and begin again with grace.

We can reach for the moon together friends. However it starts with what we really want. So...stop fighting your little voice. Here's to being brave enough to dream big and take action.

xOxO,
Hol
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