My Life in Words
I love to talk. Being vulnerable helps me heal. Documenting it is cathartic for us all.
Now he's gone. Physically. I am broken all over again. Into a million pieces. What's the next move?
Everything had to change. All of it. Starting with me.
I was drowning and kept adding things to my plate to keep a float. Which I know now was completely wrong. Except my marriage and my business. I would never go back and change either of those decisions. Both of them saved my life. Still do.
We were living in a hotel in the Boston area at the time and to say that time was hard, well, would be putting it lightly. So much took place the first year we lived in MA and honestly hasn't really slowed up a bit. Let me recap quickly...
In the month of April 2014 alone...we got married, I started a new Nursing job (in a brand new city and part of the country, our second cross country move in a year), started building a home, moved into a hotel (which was a 4 month stay), lost my Dad, and started a new business.
One month. Holy Hell.
I get exhausted thinking about how crazy life was back then. You see I am the kind of person that jumps off the deep end and I see if I can swim...turns out I've got a lot of fight left in me. But, the point is this...I was searching for something. A change. I was grasping at every opportunity to feel whole again. I was in a dark place. Dad's death nearly pushed me over the edge.
Y'all we started our marriage in a hotel on a random Friday morning...after I had worked an overnight shift with one of my hardest patients ever...and then after it was official he went to NY for a work trip and I went to sleep. No fancy dress, no cake, no fuss...just the two of us making a decision together. Committing our lives to each other in a quaint little 1700's courthouse. I still tell that story just to see the horrified looks on peoples faces. And, for the record not everyone is horrified, wink emoticon.
Let me tell you that living in that hotel prepared us again for what was ahead. It helped shape us to do the hard things. And we had no idea what was coming. We are living proof that the shell of your life doesn't matter. It's not where you live or what you have. Or who your parent's are. It's the peace found in another's heart. The safety and strength to grow. It's when you have love and you give love...He works it all out. We learned to balance each others needs and take personal time as well. We didn't always get it right, but I will always say...the reason I know we will be together forever is because we are the type of humans that can live in a hotel for 4 months. We do what it takes to get to where we want to be. Together. Always together. No exceptions.
Deep down I am still that little 5 year old girl who had no choice in all of this. I protect her everyday. She's the one who hangs tight to the good in this world, the kindness, the hope. She keeps the best memories of my Dad alive. Preserved. So you can imagine, losing my Dad brought out emotions that had been hiding away in a box that I wrapped and secured with gorilla glue and duct tape. To be completely transparent, I am still unpacking that box to this day. But I finally opened it. Flying home from TN after the funeral I decided many things. But...the first was that I would be sure to make him proud. I promised I would find a way out of my darkness. That I would forgive myself for abandoning him. That I would let go of all the anger and carry on his legacy with grace. You see the thing about a child is this...it takes two to create one. He's half of my heart, and I simply can't let his part of my heart live in the darkness anymore. We did that for far to long. I know now I couldn't save him, but I can sure shine my light so that anyone who meets me knows his light too. The good parts of him...of anyone are what really matter. Shining his light helps me put the past behind us. And, I know he's with me. Always.
This life is short. It's hard at times. Not fair. But so beautiful if you are always looking for the rainbows. Trust me, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone...so look for the colors not the darkness. 2014 shaped my heart. It showed me that happiness isn't a destination. It's a state of mind. His death brought emotions, and also a lot of closure...the last few months of this year opened up to a brand new life...and I am not sure I was ready.