A few thoughts.
I love to talk. Being vulnerable helps me heal. Sharing is caring after all, right?
Hi!!! How are you? Is 2022 shaping up to be all that you had hoped yet??
I am still off the socials friends (which is where I previously would have shared things) so I’m revamping my blog. It’s been a break I didn’t even know I needed, but am so happy about. I genuinely appreciate EACH of you that has reached out via email or text to check on me. It means the world to me to think about all the beautiful connections I’ve made on the internet.
What have I been up to?? Well, this past weekend we went to Mystic, CT. Another quick trip as we prepare for our move back down south. We met old friends from Worcester and had a great time laughing together and catching up. Mystic is the cutest little coastal town. It reminds me of the movies and in fact we made a couple stops along the way at places where Mystic Pizza was actually filmed. It was a real treat. I highly suggest this town for a New England weekend getaway, you won’t regret it.
Ok, now I am going to shoot you real straight…I am not going to elaborate on Mystic now (maybe another time). I need to get somethings off my chest. I have been in my head a lot and I thought I would bring those thoughts here to share. Is that cool? Cool. Here it goes…
Y’all, I have been losing weight for about 5 months now. I mean, I have struggled with my weight since my preteens, but that isn’t exactly what this is about here. After reaching out for help from my MD, I am now on a medication that has some interesting side effects, one of which that causes my stomach to empty slower…this has had an effect of me eating and drinking less. Including alcohol. Then weight loss entered the chat. Drinking doesn’t interest me in the way it used to because I literally can’t drink in excess anymore. I don’t say that as a complaint at all, I just never considered how deeply this medication would affect my life. My doctor suggested in back last October and although I have maintained my weight for the last 4 years, I needed a change to help me lose fat. Specifically visceral fat. You know the dangerous fat that collects around your organs and causes lots of health issues? That one. It’s important to note that this medication has actually worked. I believe it also helps me with some insulin resistance I developed over the last decade. The thing is, I agreed to this medication because I really have tried everything else. Hell, I even became a certified health coach. I found myself in a routine where I was eating maintenance calories (which is great), but I was also trying to build more muscle and honestly, doing all of that at once is nearly impossible. For me anyway. So, I am looking at this part of my journey as a “cut” like the cool kids say. I have stayed focused on nutrition and low key cardio. I walk all over the city of Stamford with Teddy, and that has been really enjoyable. It was hard for me to believe it would work. I am just so damn programmed to believe that unless I am killing myself in the gym…then I am not doing enough. That’s bullshit and I have seen that proven over the last 5 months. Period. I do still intend on getting back in the gym for strength training, but I will cross that bridge at another part of my journey.
Weight loss, I am now realizing, has always been so difficult for me, mostly, because I stay in my own head. Being on a medication that doesn’t take my thoughts into account has been exactly what I didn’t even know that I needed. Listen, I don’t know how much weight I have lost (I will at my next MD appt), but I do know that I FEEL great, my clothes fit better than ever, and I have more confidence than I have found in years. I go back in forth with sharing the confidence part because I think we should love ourselves regardless of the size of our bodies. However, I would be lying if I said that ridding myself of belly fat didn’t affect my confidence. It did. It does. I also should point out that I am now seeing exactly WHY I haven't made it past 10-20 lbs of weight loss in the last few years. This one stings to discuss, but who am I, if not honest with myself, right?? I stop myself in my own tracks related to “getting smaller” because of the emotions it brings up. The increase in confidence is the reason I retreat and start eating more and drinking more. I don’t want to get smaller because some really bad things happened to me when I weighed less. The “extra” protects me (in my mind) as thoughts from decades past haunt me. Coming to this conclusion isn’t as difficult this go round, because my thoughts are more calm and truly I can’t retreat and start taking in more. Well, I suppose that I could stop the medication, but I am realizing that it’s not being “smaller” that I am afraid of…it’s my thoughts. Which goes to show that (even for someone who’s been in therapy for years) unless you fix the inside FIRST…the outside will always feel off. The only way to the other side of this, is straight through it. There are no short cuts. Believe me, I’ve looked.
I am going to address all of this more in therapy soon, because honestly thoughts are coming out of the wood work and I really need to process them with a professional (in addition to here). I don’t know how long that will take, but I know I am committed to sorting it out. Not because I want to be smaller…I mean I do want to be at a healthy weight…but this time I am determined not to catch a case of whiplash from running away quick, fast, and in a hurry...from my emotions. Again. This baggage (literal and physical) isn’t welcome back. Stayed tuned.
Hugs + Health,
But did you die?!
But did you die?? 😂😂😂
OMG. Worcester hills are NO JOKE y’all! I wasn’t sure I’d make it to the top here! But I did. 🙌🏻
I absolutely loved taking a walk in the sunshine with my hubs and pup today. So grateful for a little reprieve from the pandemic craziness. Actually, jogging (then almost crawling) this hill got me thinking...
Right when I wanted to give up...I held my head up, thought “this is almost over” and kept going anyway. My point? I had a choice to quit and go back down, or stick it out. Please do not forget that we have choices my people. In life, attitude, work, relationships, and beyond. Think about the life you want to live...and then make choices (or cuts) accordingly. 😉
The beauty is, I DID NOT DIE 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I pushed through and enjoyed the rest of our walk and the beautiful sunshine (on more flat ground😂). I hope your Sunday is beautiful. P.S. you can keep going...😘
📸 cred: Antonio Calderon
Don’t sweat it...
“GURLLLLL, you ain’t getting any younger!!”
Have you ever been subjected to this (not so) subtle or unwarranted piece of advice? You know, followed after intrusive questions like...are you married yet? do you have kids yet? you must not want kids?
Yah, me too. 🙋🏼♀️
Here’s what I know. You can only control how YOU react in these situations. People thoughtlessly say shit without even realizing the consequences of how their words land on others. Even if they love you. In fact we all do it. There I said it.
So, I need you to forgive them. No, I won’t shut my mouth...it’s the only way. Try explaining your truth if you feel comfortable (or if they are willing to hear it) and see how it opens their eyes. Full disclosure it may not. Sometimes we just need to talk about the hard things.
Truth is, they mean well, I know it doesn’t FEEL that what but it’s true. Our society promotes a shame shit storm. People question what they don’t understand and unfortunately we are still fighting lots of pressure to “make the right choices” so we can “live like we should”.
Don’t buy into it.
Topics like infertility, divorce, sexuality, marriage, children...and beyond are not topics of small talk. They are deeply personal issues that are different for each person. If you truly want to learn about a person ASK about their life and be willing to stick around for the whole story.
ALSO...you are NEVER to old...don’t limit yourself to your age, it’s just a number, k?
One thing to stop right now...
Hey babe! Do you minimize your experiences? Your work? Your passions? Your trauma? Your worth? Your life?
Do you speak (or not speak at all) about things that are important to you as if they aren’t? As if it all just happens by accident? Or it’s no big deal?
Do you dim your light in the name of not wanting to boast or be “extra”?
Listen to me right now...
STOP 🛑 THAT HUH-NEY! .
What, who, why you love your life matters. In fact in inspires other to do the same. Sharing your wins shows others that the mountain you climbed...can be climbed.
My challenge for us all...work on being so authentically YOU that it inspires others to be so authentically THEM.
We are different. We are powerful in our own ways. We matter. All of us.
Stop minimizing...today. If you have anyone in your life that “makes you feel like” you need to minimize yourself...I’d bet my life that THEY are the ones who NEED to watch you rise the most.
The path less traveled...
Obedience is the sister of faith...follow her she knows best.
This phrase is equal parts magical and devastating. It reminds us how little control we have over the journey of our lives.
Raise your hand if your faith has ever been tested?! You aren’t alone, friend. Welcome to the club.
I get it, walking blindly into something you have ZERO guarantees on...well, its why most people don’t do it. But God. So, do it anyway. .
Walking with obedience sounds good until we realize what it truly means. Friends let me be clear, we aren’t “walking in faith” if we are trying to control the path. Better yet WE DO NOT CONTROL THE PATH.
Listen babe, I know it’s scary to change your life. What if I fail? What if all the awful things I can come up with, actually happen? What if...??
Truth is. You might fail. You might fall hard. You might get your heartbroken.
BUT who you become ALONG THE WAY is EVERYTHING! You are really one faith-filled, obedient decision away from a totally different life.
So...take the trip, start the “side-business”, refresh that blog, move to a brand new city, seek help for why you are “trying” for a baby and it’s “just not happening”, become your own boss...dream out loud AND THEN say NO to anything that isn’t serving the mission.
How are you going to practice obedience today? I’m starting with a fresh bible study...you can check it out =====> It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered...
Let me know if you do?? Or share your favorite practices with me!!
You’ve got this babe!
Let it fly...
There’s no pain too small to be acknowledged...
No loss too early to be honored. We are all just trying to get by, doing the best we can. Day in day out. Women are warriors you know. 💕
I memorialized our IVF losses recently and it was so cathartic.
Beautiful. Bold. Brave. Those are the words on repeat.
Infertility is hard. Wanting to be a Momma and not knowing why we keep getting “overlooked” is a cruel reality that I know all to well. NO MATTER THE STAGE.
Technicality doesn’t play into this AT ALL my darling friends.
Read that again.
Had no issues getting pregnant, but can’t seem to stay that way? It’s ok.
Haven’t started IUI OR IVF. It’s ok.
Haven’t decided to finally make that family planning appt? It’s ok.
Want more but feel selfish sharing because you have friends that have none? It’s ok.
Waiting for your babes across the ocean but feel like it’s a pipe dream? It’s ok.
Don’t know if you’ll be a good Mom so you are burying the idea for now but feel the clock ticking? It’s ok.
Choosing adoption, surrogate, or a donor? It’s ok.
Suffered loss over and over but keep getting back up and starting to wonder why? It’s ok.
Infertility ruined your marriage? It’s ok.
Can’t afford treatments? It’s ok.
Want to be the best Aunt around but kids just aren’t for you? It’s ok.
Waiting on...FILL IN YOUR BLANK.
LISTEN GIRL, It’s ok...to grieve each stage. In fact you must.
Grief doesn’t play favorites. Your loss belongs in the same camp as all the others. No matter if you feel it’s not “bad enough”...IT IS.
I’ve been guilty myself of saying “what we went through wasn’t as hard as you...” or “I never heard a heart beat, so it’s not the same”... But the truth is...it is. It all cuts deep. Waking up at 24-34-44 and waiting your turn to be a Mother is a battle that NONE of us prepared for. I see you. I love you. I honor your pain today and everyday. No matter if you’ve gotten your rainbow 🌈 baby or IVF, BFP...or decided that kids aren’t for you.
You matter. Leave that period where it belongs.
Take a moment to celebrate yourself today and your beautiful bodies, your incredible resilience. How you’ve found joy in the journey (because I pray you can) AND let me leave you with this...Please always share your own truth, without apologizing or comparing. Your story matters and you never know how you’ll make an impact, until you let it fly.
You’ve got this babe!
I could’ve missed the pain...
You know that famous Garth Brooks song, The Dance?? I remember soaking up every word as a child. You too? Now as an adult I like to translate that sentiment into my clothing choices.
How about that shirt?? Life motto much??? YASSSS QUEENS 👑...
I’m a sucker for a @target graphic T that represents my life, aren’t you??
The point I’m bringing to you today is this...shorts and T-shirts haven’t been a staple in my closet in a very long time...until NOW y’all. I missed the days where I could casually (and quickly) pick something out, throw it on, and GO.
Here’s the truth...I still don’t feel 💯 in these shorts...I catch myself drifting off into the land of shame wizards and warlocks...and then it happens...I start picking myself apart. I think that part of being human tho...here’s what changed in the last 11 months...
I am equipped with tools to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. I like to keep it real here on the gram so it’s important you know I struggle too. Daily. I also want to be clear that it’s taken YEARS of hard work (mentally and physically) to grow to my current human capacity. YEARS...
Because truth is...you can’t skip the struggles, friend. I’ve tried. They follow you wherever you go. I chat with people, about this, all the time and it reminds me I’m not alone and neither are you. I’ve got you. I can handle my truth and your truth...my wish for you...that you can handle your’s too.
Posting pics in shorts on the interwebs don’t come easy y’all...but if you want to get to gettin...you gotta be willing to fail all the LIVE. LONG. DAY. .
You’ve got this boo 😉. Loves. 🥰
I’d love to hold your hand...
Unpopular opinion ahead...
Ever heard that phrase...you shouldn’t hand hold...??? Well here’s the truth...I’m a hand holder. Physically and metaphorically. It’s kind of my super power. I’ve held all kinds of hands over the years and it’s shaped my heart. I make no apologies (anymore, there was a time I was berated for this). Hand holding is a gift that I know not everyone has...but if you are like me, embrace it. Don’t shy away for one more second, ok??
Society cautions against it for many reasons...but we all know I don’t do what society “thinks I should”. Yes, I believe in boundaries and self respect...blah blah...but NO ONE HAS EVER LOST THEIR LIGHT BY SHINING IT FOR OTHERS. (Yes, I’m yelling for the folks in the back).
Anyway, here’s the deal...I believe there is a HUGE difference between hand holding and enabling...doing the hard things must be a personal choice and I do not believe in pushing someone where they are not ready to go...that being said...I will always choose extending my hand over “letting them lay in the bed they’ve made”.
I lost my Dad 5 years ago and ever since we spread his ashes, my mission has been to hold as many hands as possible. Why? Because I’m able. Because I love hard. Because it gives back to me as much as I give. Because it’s how Jesus loves.
Hand holding isn’t about “doing it for them”...it’s about turning on the light in the darkest rooms people have ever sat in. It’s about compassion, love, strength, and togetherness.
Don’t feel alone friend, I’ll hold your hand.
A little Respect...
What if I told you...you can find/have your voice...share your passions...and belief system...
W H I L S T welcoming others to have their own?
Listen, I share what I love and believe in...most of you do too, however some don’t more often when they want to...because t r o l l s who try to bring others down.
I’m NOT a fan of unsolicited advice or opinions. I work daily on mastering the art of taking a deep dive into my OWN values, life, happiness...AND it remains very important for me to HEAR and SEE others and cheer them on. Especially when we have different perspectives. In fact you’ll catch me cheering the loudest for many of my people who don’t think like me at all!
Respect isn’t a pipe dream y’all. Respect is possible when you can learn to appreciate that we are all simply humans...trying to survive...and however one decides to live out their dreams, life, next coffee choice is entirely up to them.
You can NOT be interested in what someone has to offer or what choices they make in career, family, children, location, business, school, on and on...AND still respect their heart and zest for life! Yep. You sure can. ❤️
Today I challenge you this...if you find yourself itching to “tell someone how it is”, offer advice that wasn’t directly asked for...or be quick to disregard another because they don’t look like you...try giving that emotion to a higher power. Try taking a deep breath and saying OUT LOUD 3 things YOU are grateful for, instead? Replace that need to “correct” someone with gratitude and encouragement. I promise you won’t be disappointed.
Find your voice. Stand for what you believe in...and NEVER step on anyone’s courageous steps to do so. We are all beautifully and wonderfully made. I hope you know this truth today...and if you do, remind a fellow human how special they are too 💕...
F I N D I N G • Y O U R S E L F
It feels a bit like searching through a library. (See what I did there 😉🤣) You’ll pick up a book, dive right in...only to set it down and forget to pick it back up. Books are incredible. They tell stories and friends your story matters.
We get distracted easily as humans don’t we?? Do we ever really FIND ourselves?? Or are we chasing the next moment that will make us feel alive...only to stumble back and realize that the new has worn off and we are searching all over again to “find ourselves” or “become someone”...
Can you relate?
You know what I’ve learned?? It’s so much less about finding who we are...and SO MUCH MORE about letting go of who we think we are “supposed” to be. Letting go of the plans that didn’t come to pass. It’s shedding the layers of guilt, pressure, opinions, fear, bad choices, disappointments, failure, and lies...peeling them back until our beautiful lights shine as bright as they’ve always been meant to.
The world has a way of shaping your mind if you let it. Never mind all the people in your life (who truly mean well I believe) when they suggest what your life “should” look like. But here’s the truth...you make the rules. You get to be YOU. It’s your right and duty because, there is only one YOU. Your life matters simply because you woke up this morning. You hear me?? 😘
So today, shed a layer...own your story and learn to share it with others. Its uniquely yours and can make more of an impact that you may even realize.
It’s not about becoming...it’s about BEing YOU. I see your light and I love your heart.