When overthinking changes more than you bargained for...

Hi!!! How are you? Is 2022 shaping up to be all that you had hoped yet??

​I am still off the socials friends (which is where I previously would have shared things) so I’m revamping my blog. It’s been a break I didn’t even know I needed, but am so happy about. I genuinely appreciate EACH of you that has reached out via email or text to check on me. It means the world to me to think about all the beautiful connections I’ve made on the internet.

What have I been up to?? Well, this past weekend we went to Mystic, CT. Another quick trip as we prepare for our move back down south. We met old friends from Worcester and had a great time laughing together and catching up. Mystic is the cutest little coastal town. It reminds me of the movies and in fact we made a couple stops along the way at places where Mystic Pizza was actually filmed. It was a real treat. I highly suggest this town for a New England weekend getaway, you won’t regret it.

Ok, now I am going to shoot you real straight…I am not going to elaborate on Mystic now (maybe another time). I need to get somethings off my chest. I have been in my head a lot and I thought I would bring those thoughts here to share. Is that cool? Cool. Here it goes…

Y’all, I have been losing weight for about 5 months now. I mean, I have struggled with my weight since my preteens, but that isn’t exactly what this is about here. After reaching out for help from my MD, I am now on a medication that has some interesting side effects, one of which that causes my stomach to empty slower…this has had an effect of me eating and drinking less. Including alcohol. Then weight loss entered the chat. Drinking doesn’t interest me in the way it used to because I literally can’t drink in excess anymore. I don’t say that as a complaint at all, I just never considered how deeply this medication would affect my life. My doctor suggested in back last October and although I have maintained my weight for the last 4 years, I needed a change to help me lose fat. Specifically visceral fat. You know the dangerous fat that collects around your organs and causes lots of health issues? That one. It’s important to note that this medication has actually worked. I believe it also helps me with some insulin resistance I developed over the last decade. The thing is, I agreed to this medication because I really have tried everything else. Hell, I even became a certified health coach. I found myself in a routine where I was eating maintenance calories (which is great), but I was also trying to build more muscle and honestly, doing all of that at once is nearly impossible. For me anyway. So, I am looking at this part of my journey as a “cut” like the cool kids say. I have stayed focused on nutrition and low key cardio. I walk all over the city of Stamford with Teddy, and that has been really enjoyable. It was hard for me to believe it would work. I am just so damn programmed to believe that unless I am killing myself in the gym…then I am not doing enough. That’s bullshit and I have seen that proven over the last 5 months. Period. I do still intend on getting back in the gym for strength training, but I will cross that bridge at another part of my journey.

Weight loss, I am now realizing, has always been so difficult for me, mostly, because I stay in my own head. Being on a medication that doesn’t take my thoughts into account has been exactly what I didn’t even know that I needed. Listen, I don’t know how much weight I have lost (I will at my next MD appt), but I do know that I FEEL great, my clothes fit better than ever, and I have more confidence than I have found in years. I go back in forth with sharing the confidence part because I think we should love ourselves regardless of the size of our bodies. However, I would be lying if I said that ridding myself of belly fat didn’t affect my confidence. It did. It does. I also should point out that I am now seeing exactly WHY I haven't made it past 10-20 lbs of weight loss in the last few years. This one stings to discuss, but who am I, if not honest with myself, right?? I stop myself in my own tracks related to “getting smaller” because of the emotions it brings up. The increase in confidence is the reason I retreat and start eating more and drinking more. I don’t want to get smaller because some really bad things happened to me when I weighed less. The “extra” protects me (in my mind) as thoughts from decades past haunt me. Coming to this conclusion isn’t as difficult this go round, because my thoughts are more calm and truly I can’t retreat and start taking in more. Well, I suppose that I could stop the medication, but I am realizing that it’s not being “smaller” that I am afraid of…it’s my thoughts. Which goes to show that (even for someone who’s been in therapy for years) unless you fix the inside FIRST…the outside will always feel off. The only way to the other side of this, is straight through it. There are no short cuts. Believe me, I’ve looked.

I am going to address all of this more in therapy soon, because honestly thoughts are coming out of the wood work and I really need to process them with a professional (in addition to here). I don’t know how long that will take, but I know I am committed to sorting it out. Not because I want to be smaller…I mean I do want to be at a healthy weight…but this time I am determined not to catch a case of whiplash from running away quick, fast, and in a hurry...from my emotions. Again. This baggage (literal and physical) isn’t welcome back. Stayed tuned.

Hugs + Health,
​Holls