My Life in Words
I love to talk. Being vulnerable helps me heal. Documenting it is cathartic for us all.
...Beautiful Destinations. But not before a whole lot of hard lessons. Welcome to the final chapter of this story.
As I stepped on the scale at my Gyno in early 2017, I started soaking in the hard truth. Something was really wrong. I was officially at my heaviest weight EVER, regardless of diet or exercise. This couldn't just be what my 30's felt like, right??? My anxiety was so bad that I literally couldn't function some days. I suffered, I mean I didn't realize how bad until after reflecting a bit...but the best description is suffering. So, I had a tough choice and I decided things had to change. And they did. Oh did they change. I'm not sure how I'll come out on the other side, but it's go time. **(to the few of you who loved me, I mean really loved me through these years...I can never repay you...forever grateful, you know who you are. )
So what did we find??? Hasimoto's Hypothyroidism. The diagnosis that changed everything.
This condition wreaked havoc on my life, untreated, for more years than I even realized. I am not going to go into detail about the actual disease, but just know that this discovery explained EVERY SINGLE symptom I had been surviving. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. Including infertility. My second reaction (right after thank you Jesus)?? Honestly...relief. I finally had a name to put on all of this madness.
If you’ve never heard of the aforementioned condition...look it up. It's a nasty autoimmune form of a low functioning thyroid and it's slow but steady process absolutely tortured me... (side bar: if you look it up and think you feel the same, go see your doc...it's not worth pretending this can't be you too, trust me).
I was so stubborn and in denial that sheer havoc had become my reality. On my mind, body, and soul...but like I said, only now...it had a name. And that name didn't start with "you are being punished for all your past mistakes".
So, first... I had to do LOTS of testing to be sure of what we were dealing with. When we knew that, the plan to tackle this began. There were a couple little "C" word scares, but rest assured those were false alarms and again I will say...cancer is NOT how my story will end. I also learned more about our infertility. It's interesting how I went into all of this to understand more about "why" we weren't getting pregnant...and came out understanding that my overall health had been in jeopardy. (Again, I will say it loud for the people in the back, DO NOT be like me and wait for medical help. The Nurse in me is guilty of waiting to long to seek help, it's not worth the wait. Believe me.)
What came next surprisingly came with ease. I mean I had been dieting and exercising blindly for years so I was used to focusing on health...but this time I brought in the big guns. I adjusted my diet and started on medications and supplements to ensure my overall health. I hired a personal trainer and within a few short months...the weight came off and I could literally breathe again. I dug deeper and focused harder even with big setbacks. I switched up my trainer for OTF (Orangetheory fitness for those who don't know and I am OBSESSED). My specialists follow me closely and we are on top of this. It doesn't own me at all anymore. It's just part of my story.
I had been broken and tired for so long and as I healed I felt like a brand new woman. And really I was. I shed more than just weight in the coming months. I shed expectations and fears and pain. No everything wasn't perfect (never will be) and I still have to make adjustments, but what I have gained is freedom. I found my self worth that day in my Doctor's office. I know that may sound strange (because trust me...a Gyno office isn't where I expected to find my self worth y'all) but it is true. You see what happened in early 2017 was monumental for me. I finally chose to believe that I deserved to be as happy as I always dreamed of being. I stopped accepting NO as an answer or "that's just how it is"...no more. I sought help...because God knows I needed it. I mean don't we all??? I chose me and will continue to do so...every.single.day. Just because it gets hard...doesn't mean I run in the other direction or stop. I may be crawling at times, but I am still moving.
Over the years I have collected so many misguided views of what my life was "supposed" to look like. So much that suffering had become a norm to me...a NORM...what the what?? There's just no reason to suffer like that and I won't ever go back. I hope you will join me in owning your truth. Telling your own story. It's healed my broken spirit and it's given me to power to move forward out of the darkness. Now don't get me wrong. Growth happens in darkness but I have emerged. Changed. Redeemed. I know that this is a work in progress. I know that my story is still happening...and I am still writing it.
This story began with me opening myself to tell our truth. The hard truth. The places in my childhood that used to haunt me. The events as I grew up, that filled me with shame. Now that it’s out there, I like to think my Dad is proud. I believe he’d love that I buried the bad and quite literally am carrying the best parts with me now. That sacrificing my happiness is no longer part of my life .
I have lived a life full of ups and downs...it's been unfair...and at times I really wanted to throw in the towel. However, through all of this I am sure He has bigger plans for me. I have no idea what they are, but the dreams God has placed on my heart are driving me home. I would love to have this story end right here with a million dollar movie ending...but the truth is, my story is just beginning. I want to share a little something as I close...and I hope you'll take what you need from all of this...
***There's a story in the Bible that talks about Jesus meeting a sick man outside of a pool that had healing waters in Bethesda. The story goes like this...the man had been ill for 38 years (a really long time). He waited as many sick people did at this place, but every time the waters were stirring (the time when the next person to step in would be healed)...he was unable to get himself to the pool and if he ever got close someone else would go ahead of him. When Jesus came to him he asked a very simple question..."Do you want to be made well?"... Then Jesus said, "Rise up, take your bed and walk." ***
As I read it, it's almost as if Jesus says, forget the pool...you don't need that to thrive...get up and walk!
This story reminds me beautifully of how we complicate our lives for no good reason. We focus our attention on unimportant things and we blame all kinds of things for our "sickness". I am guilty and I do not believe this is the only time I will have to ask this to myself. So...my question to you today is the same. Do you want to be made well??? I had to want to be made well before it could happen. Our desire to live a life we love cannot simply be a dream...it must be a priority. The circumstances of my life no longer dictate what my future looks like. I am on a journey that is all my own. And so are you.
I did rise up and walk...I used our story, my story...to be His legs.
Love you all...take care of yourselves.