A few thoughts.I love to talk. Being vulnerable helps me heal. Sharing is caring after all, right?
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...Here we are, tradgey has wreaked havoc and now we attempt to rebuild.
As a young child, I wasn't privy to most details. They were ugly and confusing and not for children's ears. No one sat us down and explained any of this trauma that just occurred. At 5, I can't hardly blame them for that. "Listen baby, your Daddy has been shot multiple times, he may not make it, and if he does he will never walk again..." yeah...I'm sure you get how they skipped that part too. However, their actions set into motion a slew of fear that reared it's ugly head in due time. Side note: When I say "them" I mean every adult in my life that knew the truth. Knew the details. They had to make a choice. Some chose for protection, some chose out of anger, some chose out of hopelessness, but it was very clear that everyone made a a choice. Except us. The kids...we were left to piece all of this together, alone. They had a chance to discuss, share feelings, build coping mechanisms. We did not. So, this is when I learned the meaning of what a big sister really means. A protector. This is when I began carrying heavy burdens. Burdens that were not mine. At 5 years old...and it would take years, decades in fact, before I started unpacking what I collected those years long ago. In the next couple of years his external wounds healed. He grew stronger physically and we got older. During those first years of rebuilding, it appeared we could do it. We moved a few times around CO, made sure the houses fit his knew found "handicapped" needs. He went back to work, but his once vivid dreams started fading. He had a whole new routine...what once took minutes, now took hours. Simple tasks became frustrating. This is the why. When it was painfully obvious that nothing would ever be the same. I still can't imagine what he went through mentally. He was angry often and we felt the brunt of it. Cruel words and punishments became the norm. Back then I didn't understand what alcohol was, but I began to learn the times of day it was ok to play loudly or when it was better to stay in my room. Just "being a kid" wasn't how we lived. I mean let's be real, his legs were literally taken from him in his mid 20s...years he should have been thriving, and all of the sudden he could barely perform general bodily functions without assistance. I'm not sure I'd do well in those circumstances either. Two kids, a wife, a household to support. The pressure was too much. He was cracking, but he sure tried. In those years I watched him survive. I knew his heart ached often, I wanted to help, but correcting this problem was far out of my reach. In our CO years I also learned of a sibling I have. My beautiful sister. It was confusing and wonderful all at the same time. Unfortunately this news was told to me in a moment of anger at my Dad (from a family member) and we didn't discuss her again until years later, but I dreamed of her often. I still don't know why she was kept from us. but I'll talk about that later. The drinking got worse. His anger was taking over all of our lives. He yearned for perfection, but couldn't be satisfied. There just never seemed to be enough good grades, or completed chores to change his mood. But let's be honest that was never the issue. His dreams of our brilliant life in CO were gone...and the Dad I had known was too. So we sold everything, and I mean everything. Fresh start I assume, but as a child I had no opinion in the matter. I was up for anything that would bring his happiness back. Our family back. I'm still not attached to material things today because of this event, however, every now and then I do miss the handmade dollhouse my Granny made for my 7th birthday. Returning to TN only brought more heartache. CO offered freedom from the cold hard truths. TN did not. He tried to find work, and family took us in. But this was a family divided. Blame had been placed and no punishment received by the guilty party of the shooting. I had envisioned returning to strength and unity only to find whispers and confusion. Why wouldn't anyone talk about this with me? Why is there so much anger? Why does everyone look at me with sadness? Questions that I wouldn't have answered for years to come. Dad stopped trying and became reckless. His vices were taking over and he was losing his grip. Silently screaming for help, but always putting on the brave face when it seemingly counted the most. He was lost. We were lost. People wanted to help, but he was drowning and wouldn't reach up for help. I was quietly observing all of this, helpless and feeling like it was my fault. That I had failed him, you bet that's a heavy burden to carry, but I did. He and I were connected like that. And although I felt defeated, I believed I could fix it. That I could fix him. A child's mind is an incredible thing huh? 5 years into the loss of his legs my Mama Mer passed. His Momma. Sheer devastation shook our world. She was the light in the darkness for him. Always. I am 10 and overwhelmed that the one human that could still reach him, was gone. He never recovered from this loss either. In fact, it started a tailspin of bad decisions and hurtful actions. Those actions caused my Mom to file for divorce. I know she had her reasons and that is not the point here, but in my story all I could see was red. I became angry. How could we leave him? Abandon him? I could see past what he'd become when no one else could. He was still my Dad, but if we left he'd die. Literally. That was my panic, daily. It began a decade of reoccurring nightmares and fear I still deal with today. I was finally old enough to understand what was happening and I was in for more than I could handle. My Mom moved forward with her life quickly and I wasn't interested in that. So I (not so politely) asked to leave and live with my Dad. She thought I needed a bluff called, packed up my things in black trash bags...and dropped me off at the car lot he worked at. That was that. I had gotten what I wanted, but I don't think she intended it to happen that way. To me, living with Dad meant I could care for him. That I could make sure he was ok. It wasn't an act of defiance, it was a move made solely out of fear. At 11 I cared for myself and him, walked myself to school and back, cooked my own food (when we had it) and endured things no child should see. Ever. He was in a fog and no matter what was going on...how crazy things got, I did always know his love for me. I found it in the little things. Elvis marathons together, him waking me up at 2 AM (drunk) after making me my favorite cherry cheesecake, my first boom box, my first CDs, and a pair of brand new roller skates. None of which he really could afford, but he tried the only way he knew how. I learned about survival in that year. I watched him cry more times than I could count. Watched him while he slept countless nights to be sure he was breathing. I learned what evil looks like...it now had a face, a smell, a feeling. But...on a lighter note...what I choose to look back on now is this, I did save him in that year. I refused to give up on him. I had no business being there, but I'm stubborn and I suppose I made my point. Who else was going to do it? I thought. It only lasted a year. I would have stayed forever, but he had other plans. What began as rebuilding ended in devastation... XoXo Hollie
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Gary. Pat. Pede. Dad. Daddy.
Gone at 51, and I'm here to tell his story, our story, through my eyes. We all can use more healing, hope, and grace...that's my purpose here. This is a story of tragedy and redemption. Our story. The details are full of empty dreams, tears, abandonment, loss, forgiveness, but most of all Love. Bear with me as this will be a series of blogs...but we must start somewhere right?? Daddy's girl. It's a term often applied to the relationship between a Father and daughter. It's supposed to be full of hopes and dreams and safety...but our story isn't quite so lucky. My first memories of his face are some of my favorites. At 5 years old, he was my first love...my first friend, my hero. I am a Daddy's girl, Bohogs is my nickname from him (Lord, I have no idea where it came from but I own it still today). We were thick as thieves and the whole world knew it. Between birth and 5 we, as a family, had made it from our home in TN all the way to CO. The circumstances of why aren't important...just know many years later CO and those memories, lead me to the man who is now the other half of my heart. Now, some of my fondest moments with him are deep in the Rockies. Camping, fishing, laughter, sunshine, snow, wilderness, fires...adventure. The memories are fuzzy and misplaced at times but they are always attached to his smile and joy. His charisma and charm. He sure was a handsome fella too. These times are when I remember him being truly alive. Walking. Standing tall. Living. He taught me to ride a bike. Pushed me to stand up for myself and my brother. Showed me how to catch a football (well any ball thrown my way). Showed me that life is tough but beautiful and that the whole world is in the palm of our hands. We loved and learned. We made memories. Everyday. He had big plans for our life in CO. Then, something terrible happened. Sharing the details of that moment will not bring it justice. And it's really not the point, however, know this...that horrific event...ruined my Dad. Ruined my childhood. Ruined our future as he knew it. Listen, the unruly course of action he took even until his final days isn't discounted. But for me...and this story...he was shot multiple times, with the intent to kill him, by a family member and became a paraplegic as a result...this stole everything from us. He didn't die the day he was shot, physically, but the death of his spirit and ours began. He never walked again. At 5 I knew something was wrong, but couldn't fathom for years later the damage it had caused us all. No one was spared. That's how God protects us as children. He guards our minds and hearts from evil. For many years, I had no memories from before turning 9 years old. Until I did. Do. Tramua they said and they were right. As memories started coming back each year I grew older...well...another time ok? I'm still unpacking some of that here in my 30's. Anyway, at 5 (and always) my little heart still loved my Daddy exactly the same. In fact I thought it was strange that all Dads didn't have wheelchairs. It made no difference to me how he got around, just that he did. I'm still just as naive in life to this day. It's part of who I am. My husband says it's endearing. I thank God for that. Everyday. Although my spirit has been broken and even crushed at times over the years...I never stopped loving. I'm a lover and I get that from him. So here we are...tradgey has wreaked havoc and now it's time to rebuild. This is where things get really ugly and complicated, but it's important that I share his parts of the story well. Because what happened to him is the biggest tragedy of all...and I don't mean being in a wheelchair at all. We are all humans, some just have different modes of transportation. Paraplegics are the same people they were before they "lost" their legs, but they cannot do it alone. It's what happens to the mind that we ALL need way more awareness on. I had a front row seat and my mission in life, at 5, became to love my Daddy through it...that somehow I could be good enough, strong enough, brave enough for him... I believed I could always be his legs. And now I know exactly what that means. be His legs. Capital H. We lost his earthly body almost 3 years ago, but my prayer is that his story, our story, will bring a legacy of redemption. Join me as I share why kindness is so important to me...for you never know the battles one is fighting. XoXo BoHogs Oh my refreshing!!!! 🍉 This will be a summer fav! Trust me. So...I had a bit of left over fresh cut watermelon and I just couldn't let it go to waste...right!?! Wink emoticon! Follow this recipe for a delicious refreshing start to your weekend!! What you'll need: - 1/2 cup white tequila - 2 cups fresh watermelon - Juice of 1 lime - 1/4 cup simple syrup (adjust to your taste) - 2 cups ice Start by adding the watermelon and ice to a blender. Pulse a couple of times. Next, add tequila and lime and pulse a few more times. Finally, add the simple syrup and blend until it looks smooth. Taste test and adjust as needed. Add crushed ice to your beverage glass, pour this delicious drink over the top and enjoy/serve with a lime wedge. (TIP: Pulse once with each new drink pour to endure each glass gets a perfect blended beverage). Let me know if you try it and LOVE it as much as I did!!! Cheers yall! Hollie C. Hey y'all!!! Looking for a quick snack or party dip??? Look no more!! This dip is not only delicious, it's QUICK and easy! If you aren't a bean lover, well you might want to check out some of my other blogs...because this is a bean lovers paradise lol! Follow the recipe below (adjust per your family's taste) and let me know how y'all like it!?! Cooking is about creating SO get creative! What you'll need; -2 cans Colorado beans (can use black beans for a more Tex Mex flavor) -Juice of 1/2 a lime -1/4 tsp cumin, cayanne pepper, & salt - 1/2 cup of your fav salsa - 1/2 tbsp cilantro (optional) THEN Start with this.... Or some type of food processor. I still haven't quite talked my hubby into the glorious kitchen aide processor that I'd die to have...but for now our Ninja works just fine! (You can even use a good old fashioned blender). Add drained and rinsed beans first, Then add spices, Next add juice and salsa. Pulse until creamy or to the consistency you prefer (add a touch of water if you'd like it a bit more thin)...transfer to your favorite dip container and ENJOY with homemade hand pressed tortillas or Fritos!!! Yummy yummy!!! Cheers y'all, Hollie Worcester continues to impress me with the local java shops, brunch spots, and dive bars...but today...well, I hit the jackpot.
First let's discuss pronunciation of this city...it sounds like "if you aren't familiar don't even try". LOL. But seriously. Don't say I didn't warn you. Next, let's chat wholesome goodness. An intensely delicious latte (with almond milk and other non dairy choices), warm fresh bread, homemade soup, just yum. So, if the food isn't a good enough reason for you to check this place out...then come for the live music and open air breeze! Located right off Kelley Square it's situated in a perfect location with plenty of parking. Also, when you drop in there's a delightful antique store in the same building...it's a must see too! Although I am lunching here this afternoon, this charming fusion of a hip coffee house (think Friends) and your favorite dive bar (only super clean) offers breakfast, brunch, and pastries! Win win!! As I admire the views, it seems they also just started selling wine and local brews too!! Now that you just can't beat! So when you are near Kelley Square next...stop in and treat yourself to an uplifting experience! Until next time y'all...Cheers! Hollie Oh my goodness!! This has easily become one of my favorite stops when I'm out and about in the area. What an adorable little cheese/wine shop with SO much more to offer.
Our little town of North Grafton is full of wonderful finds. I actually stumbled upon this shop one day while grabbing pizza from one of our local favs!! (I'll be sharing about them in another blog, so stay tuned). I popped in and was delighted at what a quaint and charming find it is! In addition to the delicious cheese, wine, and bread choices, I sure am a sucker for there organic kitchen towels too! The staff is incredible! Sweet and helpful. I've never been much of a cheese person...(haha that's a BIG lie) actually, let me say this...I've never really explored cheeses outside of my comfort cheese mild cheddar, but they make it easy and comfortable to be "new" at it though. The Goat Gouda (yes this is a glorious thing) and rosemary cheeses are to die for!!! I highly recommend stopping in to check this place out. BONUS...outside of supporting local...the cheese is hand sliced. I never knew what a difference this could really make, but seriously it's HUGE! If you are in the area this place is a must see. They offer monthly events and tastings (I'll share when I make it to one) so check them out on FB and share the local love! I would love to hear your experiences or recommendations from here too, so please shout out below if you have any!! Until next time y'all, Cheers. Hollie Are you guilty of this too? Praying hard for something and thinking "If I just have faith, God will provide (give me what I want as soon as I'm asking)...". We may not want to admit it, but I'll be honest it happens more often than I even realize. Faith isn't the word that comes to mind here...Control is what that is. Guilty for sure.
Listen, I'm a praying kind of girl. I talk to God all day long. It wasn't always as easy as it seems now...but it's better for my soul this way. To each their own right? Fact is, its human nature is to plan. We drive ourselves batty trying to have some sort of control in our future. It's a lie. We control nothing. I don't even mind if you aren't a believer in Jesus, (that's a loaded comment but a topic for another blog) but control is a figment of our human imaginations. So why do we cling so tightly to it?? Why do we torture ourselves only to have everything work out differently than we planned, yet still exactly how it should be? Every. Single. Time. I believe it's a defense mechanism. Protection from failure. No one likes failure. In fact it shuts me down. We plan everything so that we are "prepared" for what's "waiting" around the next corner. Truth is...we must stop it. Now. We must stop counting down the days. Stop thinking "when this happens...everything will be better or make sense." It won't and we are wasting time. They don't say hind sight is 20/20 for no reason. We all have a specific plan and precious gifts that are ALL ours. Identify them, develop them, and use them. It's selfish to keep your light all to yourself. AND...Don't worry about anyone else's behavior, it doesn't matter and trying to understand it will steal your joy. Simple as that. Please stop thinking that planning gives us control. It doesn't. Sure...discussing things ahead of time and dreaming bigger isn't what I mean by "stop planning". What I mean is this...stop deciding what your future will look like, praying for what you've decided looks good, and then getting let down when something different happens. It's not that God doesn't love you...it means there is something soooo much better ahead. Believe that. Life always works itself out. Always. ALSO, When negative things happen STOP packing them up and carrying them to the future. They don't belong in your future. Use them to grow and learn. Not plan. Now I hope you can see that planning is simply the idea that "if we are prepared" we can't fail. Ridiculous. Failure is the very place that beauty is born. Have faith that your journey is important and open your mind to all the possibilities. Faith isn't about getting what we want...it's about seeing that our journey, good and bad, is perfectly designed for us. Don't block your blessings because you think you've got a better plan. Learn to love your journey, yourself, and leave a mark. oXoX, Hollie Calderon I too thought the best part would be when it was over...but I've been pleasantly surprised by this journey. Learning and growth were not really what I expected. I truly began thinking about getting healthier physically, but gained so much more.
My greatest takeaway from this experience is clarity. I'll give you a few reasons why this has been such a blessing. For starters, I accept myself more. The good and the messy. I give myself more grace too. Sober, for me, is a gift. I had to learn to deal without a crutch. Like many things, alcohol doesn't have power unless we give it power. I'm a talk to God type of gal, but Sober caused me to pray even more which is the ONLY thing that really got me through this. Being sober was tough no doubt, but I'll never regret doing this. Yes physically I lost 12 lbs but mentally I gained exactly what I was looking for...more peace. How this began? I just felt off, had for a while...maybe you can relate??? I couldn't put my finger on it, and even though I had started working out and cleaned up my diet big, I still never felt 100. I was cloudy. My mind would race through busy days and I'd often feel sadness and hurt that I couldn't explain. (NOT ONCE did I consider alcohol as an issue btw) My anxiety was off the charts at times AND as much as I loathe admitting it, I was stuck. So...I prayed hard for God to show me what was ailing me...alcohol kept coming to mind, but over and over I kept denying it. Giving up alcohol?? No way, how would I adult??? Or have fun??? Embarrassing now, but very true thoughts. I knew what I had to do and this year I picked something I knew would be a challenge. Years before I picked things I knew I wouldn't fail at. This time was much different. I wanted change. I made the final choice on 2/9...I was all in. Being sober for Lent meant I could no longer reach for my wine at the end of a tough day...or even when we went out with friends. I was forced (and pleasantly surprised) to see that I can have fun and loosen up without it. I was reminded that I'm really fun loving, whitty, quite smart, brave, not a morning person, and that I can absolutely cope without alcohol. We all have choices. I want mine to count more. Surprisingly, not drinking didn't cause me to be left out of anything fun that involved alcohol, my friends and family just understood that I wouldn't be drinking and in all cases I loved being the DD. People watching gets good sober. For 40 solid days I didn't have a sip and now I've realized two important things. 1. Alcohol cunsumption, for me, was a habit. I broke that habit and although I drink again...it's now the last thing I look to after a bad day. It's no longer a crutch. It was actually unnerving, the first couple of weeks, how often I thought about "having a drink". The struggle is real. And I know I'm not alone. Many can relate which is why I share this. You can break any habit you want to, you just have to want to more than you fear the change. 2. Alcohol can be consumed responsibly. Before Lent I couldn't remember the last time I had been alcohol free, for more than a week, since BEFORE college. What!?! Yes I was shocked too. Or the last time I had a Saturday without a hangover. Not many. Sure we are young and it's time to live it up they say...especially before kids...they say...but I want to make memories too. Drinking too much hinders those memories. By the grace of God I will control my drinking and GASP getting drunk is NO LONGER a goal...because that drunken high is a terrible way to cope with anything. Note***I did go alcohol free when I did mission work in Ethiopia for obvious reasons, but truthfully that was the only time in over a decade. Scary how quick that escalated. I ask you to answer this question too. Not as a judgement, but as a friend. We need more clarity and the only way we get it is sober. Fact: Alcoholism is real. It runs in my family and it ruins lives. My childhood and beyond is scattered with the horror of this disease. I've always been aware of this and you'd think I would leave it alone all together, but I believe I have self control. Lent showed me this is fact, but it's a tight rope I walk in terms of alcohol. I catch a lot of feelings and let me tell you...feelings not dealt with become problems and problems don't age well. Truthfully, I did this because I didn't want to wake up in 10 more years carrying around the same baggage that alcohol helps me drown away. I've got more work to do, but awareness is the first step. So, If any of this speaks to you I encourage you to ask yourself the same questions I did. Reach out. I now realize that alcohol isn't a problem for me, addiction wise, but what if I hadn't prayed? What if I'd kept saying "I'll slow down when we have kids?" Because here I am at 31 with no kids and A LOT of wine. I'm not ashamed one bit. I'm proud I dug deep. We never really know what we are made of until we push ourselves farther than we think we can go. AGAIN, I'm not judging. I'm sharing my journey. As a God fearing woman some may think I shouldn't drink at all, but let me say this. I'll do me, and you do you. My plan is to leave a solid positive mark on this earth and wine won't change that. Let's worry less about "being" good and more about DOING good shall we? In closing, It is Good Friday...ultimately I know my flesh is weak and for that, I will always lean on the promises of Jesus. During Lent, I not only learned more about me, but I often thought of how little my struggles are compared to what Jesus went through. I found more strength in this than anything else. Thankful for the life he led, the kind that breaths life and love into others. That's what I hope to do. So....the BEST part was all of it really, but especially the clarity. Clarity that my life is not my own, I am a child of God and loved far more than I can ever imagine. Blessings to you. My prayer is that my light will help light others along the way. You are loved, you are important, and you are forgiven. Just like me. I appreciate you tuning in and hope you enjoyed learning more about my 2016 Lent journey. Cheers! -Hollie C. Avocados. You love them or hate them. Lately, they've taken on the term "trendy food" but I've loved these bad boys for as long as I can remember (and that's a while)!
My fav way to eat them is in a BIG fresh bowl of guac, but over the years I discovered I was missing out on the best part!!! Could you be too? Imagine yourself making guac (or watching the pro at your fav Mexi spot do it table side) and what is the first thing you do/see after splitting the avocado in half?? Yep. You guessed it. You/they toss that seed out. Don't be confused, but I'm going to encourage you to stop that right now. The seed is incredible and in fact contains most of the antioxidants that this amazing fruit has to offer!!! Here are a few facts:
Now for directions on use; First set them aside and let them dehydrate, (I eat avocado ALOT so I keep a small bowl in my kitchen window that I add to throughout the week) After they are dehydrated, peel the skin that's dried and loose (on the outside) and you'll uncover a softer pit. (If doing individually this can take several hours) Once I've got mine peeled and prepped, I dice them up (Remember knife safety here y'all, don't want to lose any digits... if they aren't soft hold off until they are) I leave mine and do all this at the end of the week. Once they are diced, pop them in a blender and blend to a pretty fine consistency. THEN, as the facts stated, I use this powder in my smoothies all week long! It's a quick and easy way to get more antioxidants in AND making good use of that seed!! Hope you enjoy! Shout out below when you try this too!! Cheers! -Hollie Have you ever taken a moment to stop...look around...and breathe it all in? If not, I encourage you to do just that.
Most of the time life goes by really fast. We never have enough time. "I'm so busy" has become our standard rule instead of the occasional instance. Listen, I get it, but if you stop and look around you can see kindness running rampant. Kindness at times seems so far away, but it's not. It isn't only reserved for the "do-gooders" and tender hearted. It's all around us. It's in the person that waves thank you to the driver that let them go first, the person who buys the coffee for the car behind them, the smile to a stranger that changed their day, the friend that listens to your heart and shares theirs, it's with the public servants who devote their lives to helping others, and in the orphan child's eyes, who just wants to be loved. Don't we all just want to be loved and feel important? Best part is...you are. So very important. Spreading your goodness is important too. Patience, grace, forgiveness, and faith. That's what goodness is filled with. There's simply NO space for fear, gossip, hate, or evil in our hearts. Let it go. Be willing to see the beauty around you. It's there, just open your eyes! We see the world how we choose to see it...not the other way around. What do you see? Thank you for reading!! -xOxO Hollie |
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