My Life in Words
I love to talk. Being vulnerable helps me heal. Documenting it is cathartic for us all.
In 5 days I will be turning 31 years young. In my 31 years I sure have messed up a lot and failed even more. BUT I've done a few things right and the last 2 years my life have become a constant journey of growth, love, and giving back. Me doing me and learning to love me.
For a moment...Let's reflect a little bit on the number 2, of its significance in my life...
Anyone who knows me knows this. I love people, I love helping, and I don't like to fail. The struggle is very real and I'm so hard on myself. I'm working on that, I want to let go a bit more. Sharing this is a big step.
Some of you may not know, but 9 years ago on this day I had a big wedding, married the wrong boy, and spent many years after hiding behind a lot...trying to overcome that short coming. I didn't know how to forgive myself. I didn't know how to fail like that. We divorced very shortly after that "wedding day" for ugly reasons that I won't share, but it broke me. At 21 I was totally rebellous and made a poor decision, based more on my internal pain, than on rational facts or reasoning. You see I have always been driven by my heart. I go fast and hard, but if I see an opportunity to run...I take it!! Hands down. Well, my younger self did. I used to hate her for that, for being so naive and selfish. She doesn't deserve that though. She deserved self love that I didn't give her AND I commit to no longer shaming her. I'm thankful she shaped me. That she is me. I had labeled myself a statistic and until the last 3 years never truly let it go. Like all of it. So now I'll share some of the story after I began loving her and grace showed up. After I started the journey of dealing with my shame and being more vulnerable...
After living in shame and grief (no matter what I tried or pretended) for many years; let's fast forward way ahead to my 2nd chance. 2 years ago this month the man I had prayed for EVERY year after that terrible divorce finally (I allowed him) to change my life. He's the light of my heart and I don't run anymore. I face life head on and it's really really hard sometimes, but truthfully it was actually harder to run. I've ruined some great things running...but it's all lead me to this place.
Y'all when I say he changed my life I mean that wholeheartedly. And best part is...all he had to do was believe in me. He saw the real me. Not the one that I was "ok" with others seeing, but he saw me. He calls me on my BS and I adore him for that. He actually calls me his angel...I see it quite different, but there's no doubt that I am striving to become to best version of myself everyday, for me and him. I finally believe in me. Funny thing about hiding from something is, it NEVER goes away. Problems don't age well if you didn't already know that, too.
I'm telling you all this to tell everyone YOU aren't alone. Trust I have bigger skeletons than this. We all do. It's about how we pick ourselves up and move forward with Faith. You were placed here for a beautiful reason and ONLY YOU can tell your story. So please don't be selfish and share your gifts!!! Don't know what they are!? Dig deeper, I bet you just might find them.
2 years ago we saw NYC at Christmas for the first time. 2 years ago I said YES to the man of my dreams. 2 years ago we spent our first holiday without his Dad. This is now my second holiday season without my dad. 2 years ago we moved to New England, Our 2 year old Teddy is spending his 2nd holiday with us, and 2 years ago I dropped my guard...I decided I wanted a change and I was going to embrace every moment. My 2nd chance.
We are 2 people with nothing but big plans to change the world. No different than anyone else.
Most importantly it took me until my 2nd chance to get it right....this is my journey and I hope sharing a bit helps give you hope. I'm not always going to get it right, but I know God keeps me here each day for a reason and I aim to make him proud! Each day I wake up is a gift!
Now 2 years later it's the 2nd of December again and I am rewriting what this day has meant for almost a decade. Stay tuned for those details but for now...Go be you. Only you can do that!!! Much love!!!